Sunday, September 30, 2012

Why the 11th Doctor Who sucks.

Before I begin, yes, I will be bashing Doctor Who in this article. And yes, this article will be filled with a shitload of SPOILERS.

So 11th Doctor, written by show-runner Steven Moffat.  Gone is the happy-go-lucky David Tenant and in is the brooding psychotic god of the universe Matt Smith.

The main episodes of note are "The Pandorica Opens", "A good man goes to war", "The wedding of River Song", and "Asylum of the Daleks".

Pandorica Opens finally bring the Doctor and Amy Pond to the reason behind all of the random tears in the universe that we had been seeing since the first episode. It turns out that The universe was destroyed by the Tardis blowing up. (They never actually explain why this causes the entire universe to detonate, but apparently it does. Only Earth is spared, and the Doctor uses his prison to fuse to the Tardis, finish detonating, and then re-build the universe from his memories. The Doctor makes statements that Amy Pond's memories are the source of the new universe that is created.
But let's face some facts here.
1. Amy is a semi-normal human
2. Amy is actually from a parallel dimension where her family was eaten up by the cracks in the universe.
3. Amy has no knowledge of most of the universe. Sure she's been on some adventures with the Doctor, but her knowledge of the universe is far from complete.

Which leaves us to assume that the Doctor provided the memories that re-created the universe. He just told Amy to remember so that he could mess with her mind at her wedding. Either that or he tried to write himself out of the universe and realized that he can't be the creator of the universe if he doesn't actually exist.

So the universe is back, and it's exactly as he remembers it. Which means by definition it should only contain things that he knows about. Specifically it is now impossible for him to be surprised, because he already knows everything that exists.

So the Doctor destroyed the old universe and created a new one in his own image.

Fast forward to "A good man goes to war". The entire universe has decided that yet again they are sick of the Doctor's shit, so they kidnap Amy Pond so that her human/timelord hybrid daughter can be brainwashed into killing the Doctor. The Doctor of course rescues Amy with the help of Rory Williams and the rest of his friends. At the end River Song reveals that she is Rory and Amy's daughter.
Which, given that the Doctor created the universe and everyone in it, means that he always knew she was their daughter, even though in the episode he gets all angsty about it.

Fast forward again to "The wedding of River Song" and River has decided despite the fact that she's been programmed to kill the Doctor, she doesn't want to. She'd much rather fuck his brains out. So she changes history so that she doesn't kill him. Which stops time and condenses the entire universe and all of history onto Earth. The Doctor forces her to go through with it after he explains that he is faking his own death.
The universe reverts back to normal and life goes on.

Then we get to "Asylum of the Daleks". The doctor meets a awesome hacker trapped in the body of a Dalek. She rescues the group by erasing the Doctor's existence from the memory of all Daleks.

Following this, the Doctor has the brillant idea to erase all evidence of himself from the universe so that no-one will know who he is.

And here is where we get a massive paradox.
The doctor created the universe because of the Pandorica which was a trap designed for him because everyone in the universe was pissed at him.
The exploding Tardis also happened because of that event.

If nobody ever knew that the Doctor existed, then they would have no reason to create a trap for him. Which would mean that the old universe was never destroyed and re-built, The cracks in the universe never existed, which means that the Doctor would never have met Amy (because she was only interested in him because she was living in a big-ass house that was un-making her relatives from existence.)
If he never met Amy, her and Rory would never have given birth to River Song the Timelord hybrid. If  River wasn't a hybrid, she wouldn't have grown up around Rory and Amy and made them realize how they felt about eachother, thus negating her own existence.

And of course, if he was hidden from the universe then they wouldn't be waging war against him, which wouldn't cause him to go back and erase himself from history.

Case in point, if he was erased from the knowledge of all Daleks in all of time, then they wouldn't have kidnapped him to go to the asylum where he meets Oswin the super-hacker who erased him from Dalek memory.

So we are left with a massive paradox. And the most obvious rule about time travel. I.E. DON'T FUCKING LET ANYONE KNOW THAT YOU ARE A TIME TRAVELER!!!

The other Doctors seemed to not have a problem with that. They hid their time-raping nature from the universe. Like, you know, a sane person.