So I missed a week so you get two reviews.
Transformers: Revenge of the fallen.
Liked it, but I also liked the first one. It fufills the Michael Bay explosions quota but still managed to have something resembling a plot.
Some things to look for:
Super-Saiyan Optimus Prime
Angry ancient robot scottish man
RCx3
Wheelie
Some things to piss you off:
Characters not being named (Ratchet who?)
Sam being an emo bastard
Sam's parent's being retarded
Characters disappearing
The "Twins" super annoying for most of the film
If you liked the first one you will like this one. Don't go in expecting it to be anything but a Michael special effects action film.
Dickie Roberts: Former child star
I was surprised by this one. I threw it on expecting crap (It is david spade afterall) and was pleasantly surprised.
Especially considering the recent celebrity deaths, I think most viewers would find this movie rather topical and even slightly uplifting. If you hate children this is not the film for you as they are featured heavily in the story. But also surprisingly someone managed to write children in a less than retarded way. Usually writers seem to have forgotten what it was like to be a kid, and most dialogue of children in movies just sounds like a dumbed down version of what an adult would say. The kids in this movie were very well written, they clearly behave like kids, but they were actually much more believable than David Spade.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Suffering in Twilight
Greetings my lovely readers, apologies for the lack of content for awhile, real life got in the way.
Now onto the subject at hand.
Your humble jester was feeling slightly masochistic last night and subjected himself to the movie Twilight based on the book of the same name. I've never read the book, but I had read a number of sources about it so that I would be aware of what I was getting myself into.
I was not prepared.
The movie follows Bela, a 17 year old Arizona girl who moves up to the Pacific northwest when her mother marries a minor league baseball player. No thought is given to why this 40-something year old woman is married to a professional athlete, nor why if the athlete is near her age that he'd still be professional near the end of his career.
But I digress, Bela is a awkward clumsy blank slate of a character, who somehow manages to maintain her strong forceful personality while not actually having a personality to be forceful about. Although she is supposedly plain and awkward, she instantly becomes the most popular girl in school. All the boys want to date her, all the girls want to be her. Rather than follow the normal progression and date one of her numerous suitors, she instead becomes obsessed with a boy who her only interaction with resulted in awkward silence and rudeness.
At this point the movie has truly lost interest for me, but I continued on with my torture.
After an endless montage of scenes where nothing happens, the viewers are shown that the boy in question is Edward, and that he is a vampire. His family of vampires are all incestious, yet somehow nobody really seems to care, nor notice the fact that each of the children has graduated Highschool atleast 10 times.
Which begs the question, If you are a 300 year old predator, why on god's green earth would you continue to subject yourself to highschool? All of them portrayed the mentality of 20-something individuals, much like the actors who played them, so it really makes no sense. I suppose it might allow the family another couple years of living in one spot before they needed to move again, but at most they'd have a decade before their lack of aging started looking suspicious.
I'll skip over all of the scenes that show off the vampire's powers, mainly because we've all seen vampire movies before and the powers don't really change, the one that was very strange was the infamous "sparkle" scene. Edward shows Bela what he looks like in the sunlight, a bizarre slightly sparkley mess. She tells him he looks beautiful, he responds that it's the skin of a killer.
This brings us to the numer one problem in the series. Edward is a useless character. He is not interesting in the slightest, all he does is show off special effects and alot of awkward brooding.
There is only one kissing scene in the movie and it ends abruptly because Edward can't stop himself from trying to eat Bela.
Bela, like any sane person, realizes that for her to truly be a part of Edward's life and for them to have a real relationship that doesn't involve him flinging himself across the room whenever they kiss, nor her being a liability for the family, that she needs to become a vampire.
If you've already suspended your disbelief enough to get this far into the movie, this is the part that will still make you angry. All the other vampires including his family voice their opinions that as a human she is a liability, rather than accept the obvious, Edward petutantly demands that if she really loves him, she'd be happy with living a mortal life alongside him. And the author reveals her failings when Bela replies "yea, ok, whatever you say crazy stalker man" (note: that is not what she actually said, but it was what was added to the dialogue in my mind damnitt).
But the real reason behind her not being turned into a vampire, is that without her being a mortal, the story would end. Edward is specifically attracted to her mortal qualities. He loves watching her sleep, eat, etc. He finds her human weakness adorable, and he really gets off being the knight in shining armor who comes in to rescue her constantly. If she were turned into a vampire, he'd no longer be interested in her.
Not that I'd complain, he was the least interesting character in the whole movie. A good author would take this horrifying piece of shit and turn it into "the adventures of Bela, the newb vampire". She'd have about a decade worth of content in her old life before she would need to sever ties with her birth family, all in all, might be a worthwhile story. But no, Edward refuses to let her turn into a vampire. The deed was done by an enemy vampire, and he undid it, against her expressed wishes.
The movie did have some good points, Bela played match maker with all the boys who wanted to date her and all the girls who wanted to be her. They were all insufferable characters, but atleast they got happy endings and stayed out of the plot as much as possible. Also the relationship between Bela and her father was relatively well done. It was actually one of the few relationships in the movie that was believable (the other being the relationship between Edward's "mother" and "father").
The last two gripes that I need to express on this movie are about the nature of Bela. All of the vampires describe her as smelling especially good, but never explain why that is. Edward is also able to read the minds of every character in the movie, with the exception of Bela, and it is never explained either.
Overall review:
AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS!
Seriously, the dialogue is so asinine that you will be wanting to stab your ears with anything nearby within a couple minutes. I think I may have developed a tumor in my left ear as a natural defense mechanism to this movie. None of the characters are particularly likeable, and none of the plot makes any sense. The only scene that was even remotely amusing was the Vampire Baseball scene, and that is only because we've never had a movie before where vampires played baseball.
I don't understand how this movie was as popular as it was, the whole thing makes zero sense. I guess I have just been putting too much faith in the intelligence of my fellow man.
There you go readers, I have suffered through yet another movie so that you don't have to. Last time I demanded cookies for my suffering, this time I expect volunteers to come play "who wants to give Jarriet a hummer and a burrito?" Many will enter, and I'll win. (Note: "Who wants to give Regdar a hummer and a burrito?" is not my creation, that is one from the lovely folks at http://creativejuices7.ning.com/ )
Now onto the subject at hand.
Your humble jester was feeling slightly masochistic last night and subjected himself to the movie Twilight based on the book of the same name. I've never read the book, but I had read a number of sources about it so that I would be aware of what I was getting myself into.
I was not prepared.
The movie follows Bela, a 17 year old Arizona girl who moves up to the Pacific northwest when her mother marries a minor league baseball player. No thought is given to why this 40-something year old woman is married to a professional athlete, nor why if the athlete is near her age that he'd still be professional near the end of his career.
But I digress, Bela is a awkward clumsy blank slate of a character, who somehow manages to maintain her strong forceful personality while not actually having a personality to be forceful about. Although she is supposedly plain and awkward, she instantly becomes the most popular girl in school. All the boys want to date her, all the girls want to be her. Rather than follow the normal progression and date one of her numerous suitors, she instead becomes obsessed with a boy who her only interaction with resulted in awkward silence and rudeness.
At this point the movie has truly lost interest for me, but I continued on with my torture.
After an endless montage of scenes where nothing happens, the viewers are shown that the boy in question is Edward, and that he is a vampire. His family of vampires are all incestious, yet somehow nobody really seems to care, nor notice the fact that each of the children has graduated Highschool atleast 10 times.
Which begs the question, If you are a 300 year old predator, why on god's green earth would you continue to subject yourself to highschool? All of them portrayed the mentality of 20-something individuals, much like the actors who played them, so it really makes no sense. I suppose it might allow the family another couple years of living in one spot before they needed to move again, but at most they'd have a decade before their lack of aging started looking suspicious.
I'll skip over all of the scenes that show off the vampire's powers, mainly because we've all seen vampire movies before and the powers don't really change, the one that was very strange was the infamous "sparkle" scene. Edward shows Bela what he looks like in the sunlight, a bizarre slightly sparkley mess. She tells him he looks beautiful, he responds that it's the skin of a killer.
This brings us to the numer one problem in the series. Edward is a useless character. He is not interesting in the slightest, all he does is show off special effects and alot of awkward brooding.
There is only one kissing scene in the movie and it ends abruptly because Edward can't stop himself from trying to eat Bela.
Bela, like any sane person, realizes that for her to truly be a part of Edward's life and for them to have a real relationship that doesn't involve him flinging himself across the room whenever they kiss, nor her being a liability for the family, that she needs to become a vampire.
If you've already suspended your disbelief enough to get this far into the movie, this is the part that will still make you angry. All the other vampires including his family voice their opinions that as a human she is a liability, rather than accept the obvious, Edward petutantly demands that if she really loves him, she'd be happy with living a mortal life alongside him. And the author reveals her failings when Bela replies "yea, ok, whatever you say crazy stalker man" (note: that is not what she actually said, but it was what was added to the dialogue in my mind damnitt).
But the real reason behind her not being turned into a vampire, is that without her being a mortal, the story would end. Edward is specifically attracted to her mortal qualities. He loves watching her sleep, eat, etc. He finds her human weakness adorable, and he really gets off being the knight in shining armor who comes in to rescue her constantly. If she were turned into a vampire, he'd no longer be interested in her.
Not that I'd complain, he was the least interesting character in the whole movie. A good author would take this horrifying piece of shit and turn it into "the adventures of Bela, the newb vampire". She'd have about a decade worth of content in her old life before she would need to sever ties with her birth family, all in all, might be a worthwhile story. But no, Edward refuses to let her turn into a vampire. The deed was done by an enemy vampire, and he undid it, against her expressed wishes.
The movie did have some good points, Bela played match maker with all the boys who wanted to date her and all the girls who wanted to be her. They were all insufferable characters, but atleast they got happy endings and stayed out of the plot as much as possible. Also the relationship between Bela and her father was relatively well done. It was actually one of the few relationships in the movie that was believable (the other being the relationship between Edward's "mother" and "father").
The last two gripes that I need to express on this movie are about the nature of Bela. All of the vampires describe her as smelling especially good, but never explain why that is. Edward is also able to read the minds of every character in the movie, with the exception of Bela, and it is never explained either.
Overall review:
AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS!
Seriously, the dialogue is so asinine that you will be wanting to stab your ears with anything nearby within a couple minutes. I think I may have developed a tumor in my left ear as a natural defense mechanism to this movie. None of the characters are particularly likeable, and none of the plot makes any sense. The only scene that was even remotely amusing was the Vampire Baseball scene, and that is only because we've never had a movie before where vampires played baseball.
I don't understand how this movie was as popular as it was, the whole thing makes zero sense. I guess I have just been putting too much faith in the intelligence of my fellow man.
There you go readers, I have suffered through yet another movie so that you don't have to. Last time I demanded cookies for my suffering, this time I expect volunteers to come play "who wants to give Jarriet a hummer and a burrito?" Many will enter, and I'll win. (Note: "Who wants to give Regdar a hummer and a burrito?" is not my creation, that is one from the lovely folks at http://creativejuices7.ning.com/ )
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